Why I Get the “Ick” from the Term “Toxic Masculinity”

Written by Evan Vukets, RCC, Registered Clinical Counsellor in Abbotsford, BC. I support men in Abbotsford, the Fraser Valley, and online across BC. Learn more about me

When I hear the phrase “toxic masculinity,” I feel an instant reaction in my body. It is like a quiet “ick.” Not anger, not defensiveness, just a deep unease.

Because even though I understand what people mean when they say it, something about the phrase does not sit right.

It is meant to call out harm, things like violence, domination, or emotional disconnection.

Those things are real and damaging, but what often happens is that all masculinity gets lumped together under one heavy label.

And when everything masculine becomes suspicious, men do not grow, they retreat.

When “Toxic Masculinity” Misses the Point

The term began in men’s work and therapy circles in the late 1980s. Psychologist Shepherd Bliss created the term to name harmful patterns such as control, domination, and emotional shutoff that appear when men lose connection to their inner life and community.

It was a powerful phrase, one that gave a name to something we didn’t know how to describe before. It spoke to the idea that there’s a kind of poison that can run through some men, one that harms women, children, and those who are vulnerable.

The phrase didn’t enter popular culture until more recently, when the actions of men like Harvey Weinstein forced us to look for a way to make sense of it all.They were men, but the kind of men whose lives had been overtaken by something toxic within them.

Toxic Masculinity as a phrase was never meant to shame masculinity itself, but to help men return to a healthier and more grounded form of strength.

But somewhere along the way, the message lost its depth and became something else.

Instead of helping men see how their strength could become rigid or disconnected, it began to sound like strength itself was the problem.

For many men, that made them stop showing up altogether. They did not know how to be strong without being labeled toxic.

So they went the other way. They became softer, quieter, and more careful, afraid of doing harm, afraid of being too much.

It created something I call passive masculinity.

Passive Masculinity Hurts Everyone

Passive masculinity is not talked about as much, but I see it often in my counselling work.

It looks like the man who wants to do right but has lost his sense of direction. The man who says “I do not know” because he is scared his opinion might offend someone. The man who has become so careful not to hurt that he has stopped taking initiative at all.

He does not want to dominate, but he also does not know how to be present.

And this passivity does not just harm men. It ripples out to the people who love them.

Partners start to feel unseen or unheard. Families lose their anchor. Workplaces lose steady leadership.

When men go silent or step back completely, everyone feels the gap.

Masculine Traits Are Not the Enemy

Here is where the confusion lies. Traits like strength, courage, protectiveness, and independence are not toxic on their own. They become harmful only when they disconnect from empathy and purpose.

It is not the traits, it is the absence of heart that causes the harm.

A man who leads from control is hard to be around. But a man who refuses to lead at all or have a voice leaves others feeling lost.

A man who is stoic and cold can push people away. But a man who is expressive without boundaries can also feel unstable.

Healthy masculinity lives somewhere in the middle, rooted, grounded, and connected.

It is strength with softness. Leadership that listens. Confidence that is not built on proving anything.

How Shame Confuses Growth

When we shame men for being too masculine, we do not make them safer. We make them smaller.

And when men shrink, they do not stop struggling, they just stop talking about it.

I see this all the time. Men who quietly carry guilt for the ways they have been told they are part of the problem. Men who apologize for existing, or who second guess their instincts.

Shame never grows anything healthy. It only hides it.

The goal is not to get men to be less masculine. It is to help them become more integrated.

To connect strength with empathy. Power with humility. Purpose with presence.

When that happens, masculinity stops being a threat and becomes an anchor.

The Cost of Losing Healthy Masculinity

Without healthy masculinity, men lose touch with something vital. They stop believing their presence matters.

That loss shows up in quiet ways.

Men who do not know how to express anger, so it leaks out as irritation or withdrawal. Men who avoid hard conversations, so their relationships slowly fade. Men who are physically

present but emotionally absent, unsure how to reconnect.

And the cost is not just theirs. It is shared.

When men do not know how to bring their full selves, strong, grounded, open, women carry more emotional weight. Children lose examples of what safe strength looks

like. Communities lose balance.

We all need healthy masculinity. Not as dominance, not as apology, but as presence.

So What Does Healthy Masculinity Look Like

Healthy masculinity is not loud. It does not need to prove itself.

It is the kind of quiet strength that listens before it speaks. It shows up, not to fix everything, but to hold steady. It leads when needed, but follows when wise.

It is courage mixed with compassion.

Discipline mixed with warmth.

Boundaries mixed with humility.

Healthy masculinity is not about power over others. It is about power that protects, steadies, and builds others.

It is the man who can sit with his child’s tears without needing to stop them.

The partner who can own his mistakes and repair instead of defend.

The friend who shows up when life gets hard and does not disappear into work or screens.

That is masculinity that heals.

From Toxic to True

I do not think we need to get rid of masculinity. We just need to remember what it was meant to be.

Healthy masculinity is not the problem, disconnection is.

When men are disconnected from their emotions, from purpose, and from community, masculinity turns in on itself. But when men are connected to their values, to their people, and to their hearts, masculinity becomes something deeply good.

A Reflection

If you are a man reading this, pause and ask yourself:

What kind of masculinity feels alive and grounded for me?

What traits feel most like my true self, not what the world told me to be or stop being?

You do not have to reject strength. You just need to pair it with heart.

That is where healing begins, not in shaming what is masculine, but in remembering that strength and tenderness were never meant to be separate.

I am passionate about these kinds of conversations, and if any of it resonated with you and you would like to continue this conversation I encourage you to book a free consultation.