Beyond Mad, Sad, and Glad: Why it is important for Men to Learn emotional awareness

Written by Evan Vukets, RCC, Registered Clinical Counsellor in Abbotsford, BC. I support men in Abbotsford, the Fraser Valley, and online across BC. Learn more about me

For many men, emotions have always been boiled down to three words: mad, sad, and glad.

We grow up learning that strength means control, don’t cry, don’t show weakness, don’t make things emotional. So we get good at pushing feelings down.

When we are unable to push feelings down, they often come out sideways; through anger, irritability, shutting down, or distraction.

The problem isn’t that men don’t feel. It is that we were rarely taught the language to name what’s going on inside and emotional awareness.

Why Naming Emotions Matters

When you can’t name what you feel, it’s almost impossible to understand it, or respond to it in a healthy way. That’s where the Feelings Wheel comes in:

The Feelings Wheel was designed to help us move beyond basic emotions like anger or sadness. It breaks those big umbrella words into more specific experiences like frustrated, embarrassed, dismissed, or lonely.

Those words might not sound like much. But having the right word for what you feel is like finding the right key for a locked door. It gives you access to what’s really happening.

Emotions Are Data, Not Weakness

One of the most common things I hear from men in counselling is:

“I don’t even know what I’m feeling, I just know something’s off.”

or

“I don't care about my emotions, I am a logical thinker.”

Emotions are information, not universal truths.They point toward something that matters to you.

For example:

• Anger might tell you a boundary has been crossed and you feel powerless.

• Sadness might signal loss or unmet needs and you feel abandoned.

• Anxiety might be your brain’s way of saying, “Something feels uncertain.” You may feel helpless.

When we see emotions as data instead of danger, we stop fighting them, and start learning from them.

The CBT Triangle: How Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviours Connect

In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), we often talk about the “CBT triangle,” the idea that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours all influence each other.

Imagine you have a stressful day at work. You might think, “I’m not doing enough.” That thought leads to a feeling, maybe guilt or frustration.

Then that feeling drives a behaviour, like withdrawing, snapping at your partner, or staying up late to keep working.

The cycle repeats itself.

But if you pause long enough to identify the emotion, not just “mad,” but maybe “disrespected,” “overwhelmed,” or “discouraged,” you can start to understand what’s really going on.

That’s where real change starts.

Naming the feeling creates space between the emotion and the reaction.

Why Men Struggle With Emotional Awareness

There reason many men find emotional awareness challenging is cultural, not personal.

From a young age, boys are told to be “tough,” to “shake it off,” and to “man up.”While resilience is valuable, it often gets confused with emotional suppression.

The result?

We end up overusing anger because it’s the one emotion that feels socially “acceptable.”But underneath anger are often other feelings, hurt, fear, shame, or disappointment. These more sensitive emotions never got permission to exist.

A client once said to me:

“I do have emotions, I just don’t know what to do with them so I drink to numb them and turn my brain off.”

That’s where learning emotional language can make all the difference.

How the Feelings Wheel Helps

The Feelings Wheel isn’t therapy, it’s a tool for awareness.

It starts with seven core emotions in the centre: sad, happy, surprised, bad, fearful, angry, and disgusted. Each ring expands with more specific emotions that help you find precision in what you’re feeling.

Here’s how to use it:

1. Pause. Take a breath before reacting.

2. Start with the centre. Ask, “Am I sad, happy, surprised, bad, fearful, angry, or disgusted?”

3. Move outward. Narrow it down, maybe “angry” turns into “frustrated” or “betrayed.”

4. Reflect. What does that emotion say about what matters to you right now?

The more specific you get, the better you can respond instead of react.

A Real-Life Example

Let’s say you get home from work, and your partner says, “You’ve been distant lately.”

You feel your chest tighten.

Your mind jumps to, “I’m failing at this too.” You snap back, “I’m just tired, okay?” and walk away.

Later, you realize it wasn’t just tiredness. You felt overwhelmed and unappreciated, but didn’t know how to say that.

If you’d paused and checked the Feelings Wheel, you might’ve landed on “frustrated” or “disappointed,” which could lead to a different response:

“I’ve just had a hard week. I feel like I can’t get ahead.”

That kind of emotional clarity turns conflict into connection.

When Naming Isn’t Enough

Sometimes, even when you name the feeling, it’s still hard to shift your perspective.That’s where Socratic Questioning, another CBT tool comes in.

If you notice a thought like “I’m failing at everything,” you can ask yourself:

• What evidence do I have for this?

• What might I be overlooking?

• Is there another way to see this?

This process helps reframe unhelpful thoughts that come from our emotions, and equips you to balance emotion with reason. You can learn more about how to do this in my post: Socratic Questioning: A Tool for Men to Challenge Unhelpful Thoughts .

Emotional Awareness Is not Soft, It is Strategic

Being able to name and understand emotions isn’t about being “less of a man.”It’s about being more self-aware, connected, and in control.

When you know what you’re feeling, you:

• Communicate more clearly.

• Build healthier relationships.

• Make choices that reflect your values, not your impulses.

Emotional awareness isn’t weakness, it is wisdom.

Taking the Next Step

If this resonates with you, try using the Feelings Wheel this week.

Print it out. Keep it somewhere you’ll see it.

When you feel off, take a minute to ask yourself:

“What’s the real emotion here?”

And if you’d like support in learning how to understand and work with your emotions, I invite you to book a free consultation.Whether you’re in Abbotsford, the Fraser Valley, or anywhere online in BC, counselling can help you get out of autopilot and start living with more awareness, clarity, and calm.