How to Use the STOPP Skill: A Simple Way to Pause Before You React

Written by Evan Vukets, RCC, Registered Clinical Counsellor in Abbotsford, BC. I support men in Abbotsford, the Fraser Valley, and online across BC. Learn more about me

Have you ever said or done something in the heat of the moment that you later regretted?

Maybe you snapped at your partner, sent a message you wish you could take back, or shut down completely.

In the moment, it can feel like emotions take over and logic disappears.

That’s because in high-stress situations, your brain switches from thinking to reacting. It’s not that you lack control, it’s that your nervous system is doing what it was designed to do: protect you.

The problem is, protection and connection don’t always mix well. When we’re overwhelmed, our brain is in survival mode. It’s hard to have a calm conversation when your body thinks you’re in danger.

That’s where the STOPP skill comes in.

What Is the STOPP Skill?

STOPP is a technique from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT).It’s a simple way to interrupt emotional reactions before they take over. Each letter stands for a small, practical step that helps you regain control and respond more thoughtfully.

It’s one of those tools that sounds too simple to work, until you try it. When used regularly, it helps you slow down, regulate, and choose how you want to respond instead of reacting automatically.

Why It Works

When emotions are high, your brain’s alarm system (the amygdala) fires up.The logical part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) goes quiet. That’s why logic-based advice like “just calm down” rarely works.

STOPP helps bring your prefrontal cortex back online. It bridges the space between reaction and response.And that space is where real change happens.

Breaking Down the STOPP Skill

Here's how it works:

S – Stop.

Pause for just a second. Don’t say the thing, don’t send the text, don’t slam the door. Stopping interrupts the automatic chain reaction and gives you a moment to choose..

T – Take a breath.

It sounds basic, but it’s the most powerful part.A slow, intentional breath activates your body’s calming system.Inhale through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth.

If slowing your breathing is difficult in the moment, structured techniques like square breathing can help.

O – Observe.

Notice what’s happening in your body, your mind, and your surroundings. Are your shoulders tense? Is your heart racing? What thoughts are showing up? What emotions can you name?

If you’re not sure what to do with your thoughts here, a thought record can help you slow things down and work through them step by step.

P – Pull back / Perspective.

This is where curiosity replaces judgment. Ask yourself: “What’s really going on here?” What would I tell a friend in this situation? What might my partner be feeling right now?Pulling back helps you see the bigger picture instead of getting stuck in tunnel vision.

P – Proceed mindfully.

Once you’ve taken that pause and gained perspective, decide what to do next. You might choose to speak calmly, to take space, or to simply say, “I need a minute.”The key is that you’re responding, not reacting.

Applying STOPP in Real Life

The STOPP skill works best when practiced outside of high-stress moments. Try it when you’re frustrated in traffic, when your kids are arguing, or when you feel your patience slipping.The more you use it in small moments, the easier it becomes in big ones.

You can’t control every feeling, but you can control what you do with it.That’s what emotional regulation really is, not shutting emotions down, but learning how to listen to them without letting them run the show.

What this looks like in real life

You get a message that rubs you the wrong way. Your first reaction is to respond immediately, maybe a bit sharper than you intend.

STOPP might look like:

Stop

You pause instead of replying right away.

Take a breath

You slow your breathing, even just one or two breaths.

Observe

You notice:

• “I’m frustrated,”

• Your chest feels tight,

• Your mind is already forming a response.

Pull back

You ask yourself:

• “What’s actually going on here?”

• “Is this worth escalating?”

Proceed

You decide to:

• Respond more calmly.

• Or wait before replying.

• Or not engage at all.

For Men, Especially

Many men I work with have spent years relying on logic to handle problems. We’re taught to solve, fix, and move on. But emotions don’t work that way.

When we treat emotions like problems, we end up trying to outthink what we actually need to feel.

STOPP helps you build a different kind of strength, the strength to pause and understand what’s really happening before reacting.

Try It This Week

Pick one situation where you tend to react quickly: maybe a disagreement, a stressful email, or even traffic.

Run through the STOPP steps in your head.

Notice what changes.

It won’t always feel natural at first, but with practice, it becomes second nature. You start to feel more grounded, more present, and more in control of your choices.

STOPP works best when you catch the moment early.

 When you’re already overwhelmed, it may feel harder to use, which is why practice outside of stressful moments matters.

FAQ

Does the STOPP technique work for anxiety?

Yes. STOPP is designed to interrupt automatic stress responses and create space between what you feel and how you act.

It is often used for managing anger and reactivity, but it can also be used to slow down anxious or racing thoughts.

Does the STOPP skill actually work in the moment?

It can. Even a small pause can change what happens next. The goal is not to get it perfect, but to create just enough space to respond instead of react.

What if I forget to use it when I need it?

That’s normal! Most people remember after the fact at first. Over time, you start to catch the moment earlier and it becomes a default.

What if I’m already too overwhelmed to do this?

That can happen. When things are intense, it’s harder to think clearly. Even just slowing your breathing or stepping away can be enough to reduce anger-fuelled reactions or mind racing.

When should I use the STOPP skill?

Use it when you notice yourself:

• getting reactive

• overwhelmed

• stuck in your head

• about to say or do something you might regret

What if it doesn’t work in the moment?

That’s normal. Like any skill, STOPP works better with repetition. The goal is to catch the moment earlier over time.

If You’re Struggling to Slow Down

If you’ve been feeling on edge, reactive, or like you’re walking on eggshells, know that you don’t have to figure it out alone. Counselling can help you practice skills like STOPP in real time, with guidance and support. Over time, those pauses turn into presence, and that presence is what helps you reconnect with yourself and others.

Tools like this help in the moment. The patterns underneath are usually what keep the cycle going.

I invite you to book a free consultation to see how counselling can help you to get out of reaction, and into responding.