How to Talk to Your Partner When You Don’t Know What You’re Feeling

Written by Evan Vukets, RCC, Registered Clinical Counsellor in Abbotsford, BC. I support men in Abbotsford, the Fraser Valley, and online across BC. Learn more about me

Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and realized halfway through that you don’t even know what you’re upset about?

You can feel the tension in your chest, your voice starts to rise, and everything in you wants to either shut down or walk away. Later, when things have cooled off, you’re left wondering: what were we even fighting about?

For many men, this is a familiar pattern. Instead of being taught how to talk to your partner when you don’t know what you’re feeling, you were taught to suppress and avoid conflict. We learn to fix, to do, to push through. And in relationships, that conditioning can backfire.

Why “Peace” Isn’t Always Peace

From a young age, a lot of men are taught that being calm, composed, and in control is a sign of strength. We hear messages like “don’t make a scene” or “keep it together.” So when conflict shows up, the easiest move is to go quiet. We tell ourselves we’re keeping the peace.

But often, that “peace” is just passivity dressed up as control. It’s the silence that comes from shutting down instead of speaking up. It is choosing distance over discomfort.

While it might avoid another argument in the moment, it slowly builds walls over time.

Silence can protect peace in the short term, but it costs connection in the long run.

The Problem With “I Don’t Know”

When I ask men in counselling how they feel, one of the most common answers is “I don’t know.” And that’s not avoidance, it’s honesty. Many men were never taught an emotional vocabulary. We know how to recognize anger, frustration, or stress, but anything deeper gets blurry.

When we can’t name what’s happening inside, it becomes impossible to share it.We might say, “I’m fine,” or, “I don’t want to talk about it,” because we truly don’t have the words. But our partner hears that as disconnection or withdrawal.

This gap, between what we feel and what we can express, is often where relationships begin to strain.

When Logic Turns Off

In moments of emotional overwhelm, something happens in our brains. The logical, problem-solving part of our mind, the prefrontal cortex, takes a back seat. The emotional centre, the amygdala, takes over.

That’s why in heated moments we say things we don’t mean, or go blank and shut down. It’s not weakness. It’s biology.

When emotions rise, logic fades. If we have spent most of our lives relying on logic to navigate the world, that can feel terrifying. Many men cope by withdrawing until they “feel calm again.” The problem is, calm never comes if we don’t understand what we’re feeling in the first place.

Emotions Are Information

One of the biggest shifts in counselling for many men is realizing that emotions aren’t the enemy, they’re information.They tell us something about our needs, values, or limits.

Anger might mean a boundary is being crossed. Sadness might signal a sense of loss or disconnection. Frustration might be unmet expectations or exhaustion.

Emotions aren’t problems to solve. They’re data to interpret. When you start to see them that way, you don’t have to fear them or shut them down. You can stay curious instead of reactive.

Practical Steps on How to Talk to Your Partner When You Don’t Know What You’re Feeling

When you feel overwhelmed, it’s hard to think clearly. That’s because emotions flood the system faster than logic can catch up. One of the tools I often share with clients is the DBT STOPP skill (you can read more about it in the full blog post). It helps slow things down long enough to make a better choice.

Here’s how it works:

S – Stop.

Pause what you’re doing. Don’t speak or act yet. Just freeze the moment.

T – Take a breath.

A slow, deep breath brings oxygen to the brain and helps the body start to regulate.

O – Observe.

Notice what’s happening inside and around you. What do you feel in your body? What thoughts are showing up? What emotions might be underneath?

P – Pull back / Perspective.

Step back mentally. Imagine watching the situation from the outside. What might your partner be feeling? What would you tell a friend in this same moment? This helps shift from reacting to responding.

P – Proceed mindfully.

Now that you have a bit of distance, decide how you want to move forward. Maybe that means saying, “I need a few minutes to get my thoughts straight,” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, can we come back to this?”

You don’t need perfect words. You just need honest ones.The goal isn’t to win the conversation. It’s to stay connected while you work through it.

Relearning Connection

Learning to talk about feelings isn’t just about communication. It’s about re-learning connection, with yourself first, and then with the people you care about.

Many men find that once they start naming emotions, their relationships become less about blame and more about understanding. Conflict becomes an opportunity to grow together instead of drift apart.

It’s not about fixing the conversation. It’s about showing up in it.

If You’re Feeling Numb or Walking on Eggshells

If you’ve been feeling numb, distant, or like you’re walking on eggshells in your relationship, you’re not alone. You don’t have to figure it out in silence.

Counselling can be the next step toward understanding yourself and learning to reconnect. It’s not about becoming someone different, it’s about finally learning the language of what’s already there.

If any of this post hits home for you, I encourage you to book a free consultation.