The Window of Tolerance
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Why Stress Feels Harder Than It Should and What Helps
Written by Evan Vukets, RCC, Registered Clinical Counsellor in Abbotsford, BC. I support men in Abbotsford, the Fraser Valley, and online across BC. Learn more about me.
Many people come to counselling confused by their own reactions.
They know what helps.
They understand stress logically.
They have coping tools.
And yet, there are moments when none of it works.
The 'Window of Tolerance' is a helpful tool to understand why.
It explains how stress affects the nervous system, why coping skills sometimes fail, and what actually helps when things feel overwhelming.
What the Window of Tolerance Is
The Window of Tolerance refers to the range where your nervous system can stay regulated.
Inside this window, you are able to:
Think clearly.
Feel emotions without being overwhelmed.
Stay present.
Use coping skills effectively.
When stress stays within this range, your system has flexibility.
When stress pushes you outside of it, your nervous system shifts into protection mode.
This shift is automatic.
It is not a choice.
And it is not a personal failure.
Below is a diagram showing the Window of Tolerance with hyperarousal, optimal regulation, and hypoarousal.
What Happens Outside the Window
When someone moves outside their window of tolerance, they usually experience one of two states.
Hyperarousal
When Stress Feels Too Much
Hyperarousal is a state of high activation.
It can look like:
Anxiety or panic.
Racing thoughts.
Irritability or anger.
Trouble sleeping.
Feeling constantly on edge.
In this state, the nervous system is preparing for danger.
Even if there is no immediate threat, the body behaves as if there is.
Hypoarousal
When Everything Shuts Down
Hypoarousal is a state of low activation.
It can look like:
Numbness or disconnection.
Exhaustion.
Brain fog.
Withdrawal.
Feeling flat or detached.
Here, the nervous system conserves energy by shutting things down.
This is often misunderstood as laziness or depression, but it is usually a protective response to overwhelm.
You can learn more about how this connects to burnout in Burnout vs Depression.
Why Coping Skills Stop Working Outside the Window
This is one of the most important points.
Most coping skills rely on access to the thinking part of the brain.
When you are outside your window of tolerance, that access is reduced.
This is why people often say:
“I know what I should do, but I can’t do it.”
It is not because the tool is wrong.
It is not because you are doing it incorrectly.
It is because the nervous system is not regulated enough for that tool to work yet
.
For tools that are helpful when stress is manageable, see Self Help Tools That Actually Work for Stress and Anxiety.
Regulation Comes Before Problem Solving
When someone is outside their window, the goal is not insight or analysis.
The goal is regulation.
Regulation means helping the nervous system settle enough to return to the window where thinking and coping become possible again.
This is why grounding and nervous system based strategies are often more effective than trying to talk yourself out of stress.
You can read more about this approach in Fight Stress Right.
What Helps Bring You Back Into the Window
What helps varies from person to person, but common ways to bring yourself back to the window of tolerance include:
Bring outself back to the present (techniques like progressive muscle relaxation).
Movement or walking.
Slowing the breath (5 effective techniques are listed here).
Temperature changes (like putting cool water on your wrists or face or a shower).
Sensory grounding techniques (like 5,4,3,2,1)
Reducing stimulation by removing yourself from a situation.
Feeling safe with another person.
These are not solutions.
They are bridges back to capacity.
Once regulation returns, coping skills usually start working again without effort.
Why This Model Is So Helpful in Counselling
The Window of Tolerance gives people a map.
Instead of asking:
“What is wrong with me?”
They begin asking:
“Where is my nervous system right now?”
This shift reduces shame and increases self awareness.
In counselling, we use this model to:
Notice early signs of overload.
Understand patterns of stress and recovery.
Expand the window over time.
Learn when to rest and when to act.
If you are unsure whether it might be time to talk to someone, you may find When Is It Time to Start Counselling? helpful.
A Final Reflection
When coping skills stop working, it’s easy to assume you’re failing or that you should be handling things better by now. More often, what’s happening is that your nervous system is outside its window of tolerance and doing its best to protect you. In those moments, the problem isn’t effort or insight, but asking your brain to do something it doesn’t yet have the capacity for.
Learning to notice this shift and respond with regulation rather than self-criticism can change how stress is experienced. The goal isn’t constant calm, but flexibility, recovery, and the ability to return to yourself when life pulls you outside that window.
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