When Is It Time to Start Counselling?

A Gentle Guide for Men Who Feel Stuck on Autopilot

Written by Evan Vukets, RCC, Registered Clinical Counsellor in Abbotsford, BC. I support men in Abbotsford, the Fraser Valley, and online across BC. Learn more about me.

One of the most common questions men ask before starting counselling is simple but loaded.

How bad does it have to be before I reach out?

In my work with men in Abbotsford and the Fraser Valley, this question usually comes from people who are still functioning. They are working. They are parenting. They are showing up for others. From the outside, things look fine.

Internally, it feels harder to stay steady. Energy is lower, even for things that used to bring joy and passion. Patience is thinner, especially with loved ones. Life feels more like something to manage than something to enjoy.

If you have been wondering whether it is time, this article is for you.

You Do Not Need to Be in Crisis to Start Counselling

A common belief is that counselling is only for moments when things fall apart.

Most people start counselling long before that point.

They reach out because stress no longer lifts the way it used to. Rest does not feel restorative. Irritability shows up at home. Small things feel heavier than they should.

Counselling is not reserved for emergencies. It is often most helpful earlier, when patterns are still flexible and there is room to slow things down.

What Living on Autopilot Often Looks Like

Many men describe living on autopilot in a way that slowly forms over time. It is rarely a light switch, it is most often a slow burn. It is a common experience to wake up and realize it has been months or years without enjoying a hobby, connecting with friends, and everything seems to take more energy than it should

Autopilot is not failure. It is a coping strategy.

It looks like staying busy to avoid slowing down. Pushing through because others rely on you. Minimizing how hard things feel. Telling yourself this is just a phase and it will pass.

Autopilot works for a while. It helps you get through demanding seasons. Over time, though, it can quietly narrow your world. You are functioning, but not recovering. Moving forward, but disconnected from yourself.

In counselling, we often explore not what is wrong from a place of shame, but what it is costing you to stay in this mode from a place of curiosity.

Functioning Is Not the Same as Thriving

This is an important distinction.

Many men come to counselling saying, I am managing, but something is missing.

Functioning means you are meeting responsibilities. Thriving means you feel engaged, grounded, and aligned with your values.

When functioning becomes the goal, it is easy to lose touch with what matters to you. Relationships become transactional. Time off feels unproductive. You are always bracing for the next demand.

Counselling can help you reconnect with a sense of direction, not by pushing harder, but by understanding what you actually need in this season of life.

Signs It Might time to start counselling and talking to Someone

You do not need to relate to everything below. These are just common signs that men experience when they are wrestling with if it is time to start counselling.

It may be time to consider counselling if:

• You feel exhausted even when life is relatively stable.

• You are more reactive, withdrawn, or impatient than you want to be.

• Stress follows you into evenings or weekends.

• You feel disconnected from your values or sense of purpose.

• You have tried coping strategies, but they no longer help.

• You keep thinking, I should be fine, but I am not.

  
  

These are not signs of weakness. They are signals that something needs attention.

What Many Men Expect Counselling to Be Like

Uncertainty about counselling itself is another reason people wait.

Many men expect counselling to be awkward, requiring them to lie down on a stiff couch, the sessions having a heavy focus on "how are you feeling," or dwelling on digging up the past.

In reality, counselling often looks more like a structured conversation. You talk about what is actually happening in your life right now. You move at a pace that feels manageable. You decide together with your therapist what is worth focusing on.

You do not need to have the perfect words. Counselling is a collaborative process, not something done to you.

You Do Not Need a Doctor or a Diagnosis

This is a common and important question.

In British Columbia, you do not need a doctor’s referral, diagnosis, or formal reason to start counselling.

Many people assume counselling only makes sense if something is medically wrong. In practice, most people begin counselling because they feel stuck, overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure how to move forward.

Counselling is not about proving something is wrong. It is about having a space to talk things through before they become heavier.

If you are using extended health benefits or third party coverage, requirements can vary (I wrote a blog describing different credentials, and which may be covered, you can read that here). You can still begin counselling without a diagnosis.

What Changes When You Start Before 'rock bottom'

Starting counselling when you are noticing things are more challenging then they used to be, and not from a place of chaos it changes the tone of the work. The work does not need to be quick moving, it can be a slower exploration of what the challenges are and build a more solid mental health foundation.

There is more room for reflection and less pressure to fix everything before the loss of relationship, job, or other significant lifestyle change.

People often have more choice, more flexibility, and more energy to explore what they want rather than just reacting to what is not working.

Counselling is not about fixing a broken version of you. It is about supporting capacity emotionally, relationally, and mentally.

If You Are Unsure, That Is Often the Signal

Many men come to counselling saying they were not sure it was time.

That uncertainty is often the signal worth listening to.

You do not need to be certain. You do not need to be at a breaking point. You just need a willingness to pause and reflect instead of continuing on autopilot.

Counselling is not about becoming someone else. It is about finding your way back to yourself before stress becomes the only organizing force in your life.

Common questions men ask before starting counselling.

How do I know if it’s time to start counselling?

Many people start counselling not because they are in crisis, but because they feel stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected from themselves. If stress is no longer lifting, rest does not feel restorative, or you feel like you are running on autopilot, it may be time to talk to someone.

Do I need to be in crisis to go to counselling?

No. You do not need to be in crisis to start counselling. In fact, counselling is often most helpful before things escalate into burnout, relationship strain, or health issues. Many people begin counselling simply because they want support navigating a difficult season.

Do I need a doctor’s referral to start counselling in British Columbia?

No. In British Columbia, you can start counselling without a doctor’s referral. You do not need permission or approval to reach out to a counsellor. Some insurance plans may have their own requirements (you can read more about specific therapist credentials in BC here and how they may be relevant), but counselling itself does not require a referral.

Do I need a diagnosis to see a counsellor?

No. Most people who attend counselling do not have a formal diagnosis. Counselling is for anyone who feels stuck, overwhelmed, unsure, or wanting to better understand themselves. A diagnosis is not required to begin the process.

What if I don’t know what to talk about in counselling?

That is very common. You do not need to arrive with the perfect words. Counselling often starts with exploring what feels difficult or unclear, and your counsellor can help guide the conversation at a pace that feels manageable for you.

Is counselling only for mental health problems like anxiety or depression?

No. While counselling can help with anxiety and depression, many people seek counselling for stress, burnout, life transitions, relationship concerns, or feeling disconnected from their values. Counselling is not limited to specific diagnoses.

How long does counselling usually take?

There is no single timeline. Some people find a few sessions helpful, while others benefit from longer term support. The length of counselling depends on your goals, what you want to work on, and how you want to use the space.

What if I’m unsure whether counselling is right for me?

Feeling unsure is often part of the process. You do not need certainty to start counselling. If you keep wondering whether it might help, that curiosity is often enough reason to explore it further.