Men and Depression, and the Weight We Don’t Show
- Evan Vukets
- Oct 7
- 4 min read
Written by Evan Vukets, RCC, Registered Clinical Counsellor in Abbotsford, BC. I support men in Abbotsford, the Fraser Valley, and online across BC. Learn more about me
On the outside, you look steady. You show up for work. You take care of your people. You keep moving.
But inside, something feels heavy. You’re tired in a way sleep doesn’t fix. Small things set you off. You feel distant, even with people you love. You tell yourself: “I just need to push harder.”
Many men are taught to do exactly that, bury the feeling, tighten the jaw, and pull up the bootstraps. It works for a while. Until it doesn’t.
This post is about why men often miss the signs of depression, how a twisted version of stoicism keeps us silent, and what to do next. I’ll also share key facts about men and suicide in Canada and BC, because the numbers matter, and so do you.
Why Men and depression symptoms Get Missed
As we explored in the post Understanding Depression: More Than Feeling Down, Depression doesn’t always look like sadness. For men, it can show up as:
Irritability or anger over small things,
Numbness or checking out,
Overworking or staying “always on,”
Scrolling, drinking, or avoiding instead of resting,
Body signs: tight chest, headaches, clenched jaw, poor sleep,
Here’s the hard part: many men are socialized to hide pain. We hear messages like “Be strong. Don’t complain. Handle it.” So we don’t name what’s happening. We just carry it.
But carrying tension, exhaustion, and anger isn’t healing. It only pushes the pain deeper.
Real Stoicism vs. Numbing Out
A lot of us were shown a perverted version of stoicism: feel nothing, show nothing, push forward. That’s not wisdom, that’s shutdown.
Real stoicism is different. It’s about facing hard things with clarity, courage, and skill. It’s not pretending you’re fine. It’s saying: “This is hard, but I can choose how I respond.”
Numbing is easy.Courage is noticing.Noticing is where change starts.
The Cost of Silence (What the Numbers Say)
In Canada, men die by suicide about three times as often as women. Men are roughly half the population, but make up about 75% of suicide deaths. That gap holds in recent national data (2022).
Each year, about 4,500 Canadians die by suicide, that’s roughly 12 people every day.
Here in British Columbia, the BC Coroners Service recorded 639 suicide deaths in 2023 (about 12 per 100,000).
Around the world, a man dies by suicide roughly every 60 seconds.
These numbers are not here to scare you. They are here to tell the truth: silence has a cost. And help early is better than help late.
Why Men Don’t Get Diagnosed (Even When They’re Struggling)
1) We don’t use “sad” words.
Men often describe stress in body or behaviour terms: “I’m wired,” “I’m angry,” “I can’t sleep,” “I’m done.” That can make depression harder to spot.
2) We perform “I’m fine.”
We keep the job, keep the schedule, keep the mask. From the outside, nothing looks “wrong.”
3) We were taught to go it alone.
Asking for help can feel like failure. But asking is wisdom, not weakness.
4) Our “coping” hides the signs.
Overworking, numbing, or withdrawing can look like discipline or busyness, but they can be cover for pain.
A Simple Frame: Thoughts, Feelings, Actions
Think of CBT’s triangle:
Thoughts: “I should be tougher.” “I’m failing.”
Feelings: flat, restless, angry, ashamed.
Actions: work longer, snap at home, avoid friends, drink more, scroll late.
When one corner gets stuck, the whole triangle tips. Depression often lives in that loop.
Good news: small skills help. Breathing, grounding, and simple tools like Thought Records and Socratic Questioning can slow the spiral so you can think clearly again.
A Story (You Might See Yourself Here)
You’re in your 20s, 30s, or 40s, living in Abbotsford or the Fraser Valley. Work is busy. Family life is full. You tell yourself to keep going.
Then sleep gets worse. Your fuse gets shorter. You stop doing things you used to love. You feel guilty for not “snapping out of it.” You double down: work harder, feel less.
Weeks turn to months. You’re still moving, but you don’t feel like you.
Then one day, you name it: “Something’s off.”You book a free consultation to talk it through. You realize this isn’t about weakness. It’s about health.
That first honest step is the start of your return.
If This Feels Familiar, Here’s What Helps
1) Learn the early signs.
You’re more irritable or numb.
You’ve lost interest in things you used to enjoy.
Sleep, appetite, or energy are off for weeks (not days).
2) Use small tools that lower the load.
Box breathing or diaphragmatic breathing for 2–3 minutes.
Thought Record: write the situation, your first thought, the feeling (1–10), a balanced thought, re-rate the feeling.
If reframing is hard, try Socratic Questioning (questions that help you check the story your brain is telling).
3) Talk to someone who gets it. A counsellor helps you sort the noise, spot patterns, and build tools that fit you. That’s not “fixing you.” That’s support.
4) Remember the timeline. Change is not instant. But with the right tools and steady support, it happens.
Stoicism, Reclaimed
Let’s bring stoicism back to what it really means.
Not denial. Awareness.
Not white-knuckling. Wise effort.
Not isolation. Choosing good support.
Strong men feel. Strong men get help. Strong men heal.
If You’re in the Fraser Valley or Anywhere in BC
If you’re in Abbotsford, the Fraser Valley, or online anywhere in BC, I offer a free consultation so you can ask questions and see if counselling feels like a fit—for depression, stress, or just the feeling that you’ve been carrying too much for too long.
You don’t have to carry this alone. Getting help early is not only easier, it’s braver.
If You Need Help Now
If you’re thinking about suicide, please reach out right away. In Canada, you can call or text 9-8-8 for immediate support. You can also call The Suicide Crisis Line at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 310-6789 for the BC Mental Health Support Line, both available 24/7.
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